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What the hell is wrong with me

I have joined a dating website, and I’m scared silly by the whole idea. I’m using a false name – its almost as if I am ashamed of myself for doing it. Hope I can come to terms with it soon



Dec 2012

Dec 2011

It’s been quite a while since I have posted on my blog, and a lot has happened

First things first – I bought a house. As mentioned in my last post, it’s an investment, and my daughter and fiance will be renting it from me. They are now in and living there, and all seems to be going well. It took an awful lot of doing to make it habitable, and while there are still things to be done, it feels a nice place to live. Result.

It has NOT left me with a desire to get into house renovation – Sarah Beeny I am not, but I’m pleased we have done what we have done

Secondly, the diet continues apace. I passed the 4 st lost mark in the week before Christmas. That’s in 12 months. I have actually lost weight faster than this in the past but this time it feels right. I am going at a good pace that is sustainable, and am supplementing it with personal training, so feeling fitter as well. It doesn’t stop me feeling like a deflating balloon – my skin is getting very crinkly, but I’m doing my best to counteract with improving skin tone.

Pictures comparing last year and this year are not good to look at for me – I am drawn to how bad I looked last year, but I must focus on the positive of how good I look this year in comparison. Not easy to do for someone who lacks self confidence, and so I rely on certain of my friends to pay me compliments specifically for the purpose of building me up. You know who you are – the service you offer is highly valuable to me ūüėČ

And the final piece of big news is that I have started dating. It’s more than two and a half years since Alan died, and whilst I love him desperately and will miss him every day until the day I die, I have to recognise that I am still relatively young, with hopefully quite some years left to live. I love male company, and I love to love, so I wanted to try it out to see what happened

Well ladies and gentlemen, I have to report mixed experiences of my first ‘outing’.

The dating occurred in a very safe environment. A mutual friend introduced us and even came with us on the first date, so it felt like a chaperone. Actually I think all first dates would benefit from a chaperone…….
He’s a very nice man – a widower, so we had a shared history which makes things easier. We got on very well and have had a second and a third date, but I don’t know if there will be more. We shall see.

We are still in contact, but the problem I have is that I do not understand the rules of the game any more, and I cannot second guess what is going to happen next. You can say that I should be relaxed and ‘go with the flow’ which is very good advice and the sort of advice I would definitely give to myself, but I have found the whole experience emotionally very unsettling. ‘Relaxing into it’ is not an option at the moment. I got so wound up I had to prescribe myself a homoeopathic remedy. Thankfully it worked to stem the ‘overwraught-ness’ of the whole thing and I feel much better now but am having an aggravation to the remedy (which is a common side-effect) I’ve come out in a full body rash, with swollen glands. Hopefully I’ll be better tomorrow or soon afterwards.

So what to do about this? Well Ive decided the only way is to desensitise myself to dating by doing more of it. With the help of specially selected friends who have particular knowledge and expertise in this area, I’m going to join a couple of dating websites and play the field. The objective at this stage is TO HAVE FUN and see dating as a pleasurable activity in its own right and not necessarily the means to finding a partner. I’m going to let that happen of its own accord.

Doesn’t time fly

Oh dear it’s been almost a month since my last post.¬† Feels like I should be doing some sort of confessional for not attending to it properly, but I have been really busy and distracted by a lot of stuff

So what has been happening, I hear you ask

On the weightloss¬†front it has been pretty stagnant, but I think mainly because I am now seeing a personal trainer and hopefully turning more fat into muscle, which as we all know weighs more.¬† It is slightly disappointing, however.¬† I have lost 49lb and just can’t seem to get any further.¬† I’m keeping the faith, however and am still in it for the long haul.¬† My end target of reaching goal weight by next May in time for my Mamma Mia stint as mother of the bride in Greece is looking a bit less achievable, but hopefully we can get somewhere close.

Last Friday I completed the purchase of a house for my daughter and her fiance to rent from me.¬† There is a lot to do to the house.¬† It’s one of those things –¬†to buy a similar house already done up would have cost a lot more, but the list of things that need doing seems a bit daunting at the moment.¬† I¬†know the trick is to break it down into bite-sized chunks, but this week that seems easier said than done, and I have been having a return to the sorts of sleepless nights when deadlines and work problems loomed large and filled my mind with worry.¬† I’m talking to myself very sternly to make this go away, because I truly believe it is a good and exciting thing and it will all be alright in the end………but just for now I have the night gremlins buzzing around my head.

I’m going to bed now and see if I can give them the slip ūüėČ

What I was missing

Still been struggling with my diet, mainly because I kept having these huge desires to eat wildly.  I went to the health food shop and had a chat with a very helpful lady who suggested that I might be deficient in essential fats.  Frankly its not surprising, because there is no fat at all in my diet.  I bought some vegetarian blend which  contains omega 3, 6 and 9 oils, and since I have started taking it my irrational cravings have completely disappeared and I have been able to stick to the diet without problem.

Not sure how long it will last, but it seems to be a lesson in listening to your body.¬† If you are having cravings, it is probably because you are missing something.¬† In the words of Homer Simpson, D’oh.

Back on track

That’s more like it.¬† 2.5lb lost tonight, so hopefully back on track to my goal.¬† Have been digging deep to reconnect with my motivation, and I am feeling brighter and more positive about the whole thing.¬† I’m starting to visualise the end goal again, so lets keep going for it ūüėČ

Is it me or the weather?

I don’t know what it is, but I’ve been a bit down recently, and I know I’m¬†not the only one.¬† Many of my friends seem the same, so I can only put it down to something in the air which is¬†affecting all of us.¬† We’ve probably got USAD – Unseasonably seasonal affective disorder.

I talked recently about losing my mojo, but it runs a bit deeper than that, and it’s taking me a while to sort it out.¬† I’ve written an action plan of sorts, but I’m still in the doldrums, so yesterday I went to see my retirement coach, kindly provided by my ex-employer to help me through the transition from full-time work to whatever comes next.

It was fairly cathartic – we talked about a lot of stuff I had no intention of talking about when I went to see her, so it’s obviously stuff that wants to surface, but I think bottom line is that I am in another trough of grief.

In some ways that is bad, because after more than 2 years, I feel I need to hide things a bit more, and not inflict on others.  But in some ways that is good, because I know it will pass, so I think I mainly need to wait it out.

In the meantime I’m doing all the stuff I know I should – writing lists, trying to be positive and upbeat, getting myself organised, trying to achieve things, so that when the upturn comes, I’m well placed to ride the thermals and take off.¬† I’m starting to feel optimistic that when the tide turns again I can at least jump off at a higher level again, if that makes sense.¬† The trend line on my graph is upwards, even if we still have ups and downs on a daily basis.

Better than I thought

WW tonight, and I have lost another 1/2lb.¬† RESULT!¬† As of last Saturday, I was 5lb¬†up, but it must have been short-term weight in that I had been eating too much for a couple of days, but it hadn’t actually turned into fat.

That’s 45lb¬†in total now since I joined WW in January, and I had probably lost around 5lb¬†before that, so must be around the 50lb mark.¬† I’m back to feeling positive about this. I have thrown away all my ‘big’ clothes so I can’t afford to go back to the way I was, nor would I want to, for all sorts of reasons.

I came home tonight from getting weighed and I usually would have allowed myself a little ‘wobble’ (eating something forbidden) because it is a whole week until next weigh-day.¬† But do you know, I didn’t do that.¬† I had a nice Greek salad and enjoyed it.¬† I’m going to try to¬†keep on the straight and narrow for the next week, and see what I can achieve.¬† I want to get down to that 12st something mark by the end of the month, or at least pretty close to it.¬† Let’s see what we can do

If you are reading this G, absolutely let’s do this together.¬† For me it will be lots of fruit and veg, some decent protein and very few carbs – that’s what seems to work best for me.¬† I’m also keeping the pressure up on the exercise front, walking most days, and I actually went swimming last Friday.¬† Can’t remember the last time I did that – possibly even last Century ha ha


I’m not sure what the question is, but Blogging is the answer

I don’t know how she does it, but my great friend G always manages to point out things I know but have forgotten, and which are the key to solving whatever problem I have.¬† Thanks G – sincerely.

My last post bemoaned the fact that I had lost my MOJO, and I was in danger of falling off the wagon as far as my diet is concerned.¬† I need to get my act together, and understand what is wrong with me, so that involves talking it out.¬† The beauty of blogging is that you get the same effect as talking to people, but you can do it on your own.¬† Genius.¬† Especially if you think you may not like what some people have to say to you, or¬†you don’t actually want their opinion.

OK, so here goes with the thinking so far……………..

I’ve had a few things on my plate which are stressing me out.¬† The stress is pretty low-level compared to what I have experienced in the past, but nonetheless it’s stress, and frankly I had got out of the habit since leaving work.¬† What that has done is diverted my focus from the dieting, and as I think I’ve said before, the diet has to be No. 1 priority in your life or else forget about it.

So, I’ve got to promote dieting back to No 1, even if it makes me a diet bore, and manage the rest of the stuff around it.¬† Not quite sure how I will down-play the other stuff, but at the very least they will dissipate over time.

So my short term action plan is as follows:

  • Back to WW tonight.¬† I must go get weighed and put myself back on the programme, even if the news is not so good tonight.¬† I will blog again on my return with the awful truth
  • Track my diet points assiduously for the next few weeks, and set myself a short-term¬†weight-loss target for the next couple of weeks.¬† If I’m good I could pass another stone barrier and go from being 13st¬†something to 12st¬†something, and that would be really fabulous considering I started out on this journey at 17st something
  • Manage my time and projects around the house.¬† I’m going to have to write lists – something I detest, but it’s the only way to get on top of some of this stuff, which is dragging me down
  • Be more positive about the other stuff which is stressing me out, because it’s all good really.¬† The two main things are that I am buying a house, to become a landlord, and I am also doing some consultancy work.¬† Both really positive, but just BIG in my small world of retirement into which I had slumped.¬† I will blog about these two developments in¬†more detail¬†shortly

As a final point for today, before I go and decide what I can possibly wear to weightwatchers¬†which defies the laws of physics and means I weigh less wearing it than I do naked, I had a conversation with my 8-year-old¬†granddaughter today.¬† She said ‘Granddad is really pleased you have lost weight – he told me in the bathroom this morning’.¬† This is my¬†darling¬†husband, who died more than 2 years ago.¬† Now I can’t go letting him down now can I?


Lost: One MOJO………If found, please return

Dear Austin Powers,

Please help, I have lost my MOJO, and I know you know about these things.

In my case the lost MOJO is all about the dieting.  In what seems like the blink of an eye, I have gone from being focussed beyond belief to being all over the place.  I start each day full of resolve, but by the end of the day I want to eat everything in the house.  My motivation seems to be to punish myself, to push myself to fail.  Goodness only knows why this is happening.

So this is it – I’m writing this letter to you to help me dig deep and find that motivation once again.¬† It hasn’t gone forever, I know that, but I just need it to resurface quickly, before I have undone all my good work on the diet so far.

I’m off to try to unpick just what it is that is keeping me in a befuddled mess.¬† Some serious self-analysis is required.¬† I’ll report back on what I find shortly

Halfway there

This is one of those rare occasions when it is better to be a glass half empty than a glass half full.  By that I mean I have lost half the weight I am aiming to lose, so half empty seems a better fit

I have lost 44.5lb Рand 9 points off my BMI.  Still some way to go, but I am going to ramp up the exercise now and aim to hit goal by the end of this year.  2012 Рthe year I escaped my fat suit!

In other news, have just booked the flights for the trip to Kefalonia next year for my daughter’s wedding.¬† Mamma Mia in action!

Must dash – just off to walk the dogs – got to get some exercise under my belt


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